Life Sucks: A Cullen Parody
by IAmInMyOwnLittleWorld
Summary: Emmett wants Geico, Edward's an emo kid, and Carlisle has a "time of the month". Find out what'll happen next!
1. Geico!

**I deleted this story long ago, but I decided to re post it simply because I missed writing it :)**

**disclaimer: I'll never own anything in the story.**

It seemed like an average day for the Cullens, just sitting around, watching tv, when suddenly a Geico commercial turned on.

"I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico," said a smiling man who looked in his fourties.

Emmett gasped as he screamed, "I WANT GEICO!"

Esme sighed exasperatedly.

"Emmett, we don't need Geico. We're vampires, remember? We can't get sick or hurt easily."

"He's about to say 'But what if the Volturi attack'?" whispered Alice to Jasper. She giggled and Jasper just kind of grimaced.

"BUT WHAT IF THE VOLTURI ATTACK?!"

"Well, they couldn't do much, could they?" said Edward. "The Volturi are a powerful coven, and the Geico dudes are human-"

"No, Edward, they're magical wizards who go to Pigfarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," said Emmett knowingly. "Its on Mars."

Then he started screaming hysterically again.

"I WANT GEICO I WANT GEICO I WANT GEICOOOO!!!"

"CARLISLE SHUT HIM UP!" cried Renesmee, plugging her ears.

'Okay, Emmett, we can get Geico," said Carlisle. "Not that it'll do any good."

"Thanks, Carlie, you're the best dad ever!"

"Don't call me that."

---

"So, you're here to get Geico insurance," said a secretary who had an excessive amount of plastic surgery at a Geico store(do they exist?).

"She looks like a Barbie doll," snickered Rosalie.

"Takes one to know one," replied Jacob, which earned himself a death glare.

"what was that?" asked the secretary.

"Uh... yes, we are here to get insurance!" said Jacob frantically. "We're not mythical creatures or anything! Edward doesn't have footie pajamas, and Esme doesn't secretly play with Barbie-"

"What he's trying to say," interrupted Carlisle before Jacob blurted out everyone's weirdest secrets, "is may we have Geico insurance?"

"O-kay.... so I just need a blood sample to sign you up."

Everyone exchanged looks anxiously. Blood?

"What?" said the secretary. "Is there a problem?"

"No!" cried Jacob. "Everything's fine! None of us are vampires, how could you say that Emmett doesn't still suck his thumb, Carlisle doesn't sleep with a nightlight(if he could sleep), and Alice isn't secretly a dude and Jasper a gir-"

"ENOUGH JACOB!" yelled Renesmee, which made him whimper.

"Sorry, my little babykins," he said.

"Anyways, bring me a blood sample by tomorrow, bye!"

---

Mike Newton heard a knock at the door at midnight. He opened it to find Carlisle Cullen wearing a baseball cap and one of those glasses that have a nose and mustache attached.

"Hello. I-a need-a a-a blood-a sample-a," said Carlisle in a totally fake Italian accent.

"Doctor Cullen?" asked Mike sleepily.

"No-a. I'm-a named-a Mister-a Doctor-a Professor-a Carlisle-a Cullen-a. I-a am-a collecting-a blood-a samples-a around-a the-a neighborhood-a to-a cure-a swine-a flu-a."

"Uh, I don't think that'd help cure swine flu-" said Mike, but was interrupted by Carlisle.

"LOOK I AM THE DOCTOR HERE AND WHAT I SAY GOES SO PRICK YOURSELF WITH THE DARN NEEDLE ALREADY!!!"

Mike wet himself as he hurriedly pricked himself with the needle and ran inside screaming, "MOMMYYYY!!!"

---

The next day, Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward went to go get the insurance verified.

"Do you have the blood samples?" said the secretary the next day.

"Yes, we do," said Rosalie, handing the secretary Mike's blood sample.

"Uh, this is only one-"

"DEAL WITH IT!" screamed Carlisle while the secretary looked very freaked out.

"It's that time of the month," said Emmett, grinning, which made the secretary even more scared and Rosalie ticked off.

"Okay, then... I'm just gonna let it slide this once... anyways, the total for insurance comes down to one billion dollars a month and you have to sell your soul to me."

"But we ain't gots no soul," cried Edward while cutting himself with his teeth(so it sounded more like "We ainf gofff no sullll"

"WAIT A BILLION DOLLARS?! NO WAY JOSE!!! SORRY EMMETT NO GEICO FOR YOU!!!" cried Carlisle, while carrying out a screaming Emmett.

"IWANTGEICO! I WANTGEICO!"


	2. What the Carlisle?

**Enjoy**

Carlisle was minding his own business in his study, when suddenly, his family(including Jacob) barged in.

"Yes," he said, looking up from a notepad he was writing on about how to cure the darn swine flu.

"Oh my Carlisle, Carlisle's writing!" said Esme, grinning like a two year old who's swearing.

"Uhh.. what?"

"Oh my Carlisle, he doesn't know what 'Oh my Carlisle' means!" squealed Bella, getting a high five from Alice.

"Then let's Carlisling tell him," said Renesmee, smirking.

"It's a replacement for swearing so we can do this parody kid appropriate," explained Jacob. 'Like 'what the Carlisle', 'how the Carlisle', 'Oh myCarlisle', and my favorite, 'Stop being a Carlisle'."

Okay, that last one was insulting to Carlisles everywhere, thought Carlisle angrily.

"Look, that Carlisling Carlisle is Carlisling about to break a Carisling vein in his Carlisling forehead like Carlisling anime characters!" said Jasper, laughing his head off, which was very unusual indeed.

"Okay, guys, stop now," said Carlisle.

"Why the Carlisling Carlisle should we?" said Emmett. "I Carlisling like using Carlisle."

"Well, I don't like it," he said, growing angrier. "Stop it or-"

"OH MY CARLISLE, CARLISLE IS ABOUT TO KILL USS!!!" screamed Alice.

"ALRIGHT THAT IS IT!" yelled Carlisle, attacking his family. "YAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

And the rest is to violent to put to keep a K+, T or even a M rating...

So this is THE END


	3. Mountain Lion Mountain

**This is a parody of Charlie the Unicorn... if you hate stuff like that, go away.**

Edward was dreaming of Bella, like always. Oh wait, he can't sleep.

Edward was DAYDREAMING of Bella, like always.

Much better.

"Eddieeee, Eddieee wake up...." called a voice.

"Yeah, you silly sleepyhead, wake upppp!" said another voice, snapping Edward out of it. He looked up.

There were Jacob and Emmett, dressed in unicorn costumes, Emmett's pink, Jacob's blue. They were smiling like idiots.

"Oh my gosh, Jacob and Emmett, whatt?!" groaned Edward angrily. "I was daydreaming of Bella!"

"*cough* Has no life *cough*," said Emmett.

"And we need you, Eddie," said Jacob. "Please, you're our only hope!"

"This better be important, it was a very awesome daydream. Is Renesmee on fire?"

Jacob looked slightly freaked out at the idea, but then regained his cool when he realized Nessie was most certainly *not* on fire.

"No, Eddieee!" said Emmett. "It's Mountain Lion Mountain! Mountain Lion mountain, Eddie!"

"Yeah, Eddie. We're goin' to Mountain Lion Mountain! Come with us, Eddie!"

"Nah, I think I'll just-"

But Edward was interrupted by Jacob saying, "It'll be an adventure! We're goin' on an adventure, Eddie. Please Eddie!"

"Uh huh, right," said Edward. "Well, however much pixie stix you ate, just go have your fantasies somewhere else and leave me be-"

"NOOOOO!!!!" screamed Emmett, who proceeded to jump on Edward, and as you all know, Emmett is a pretty bulky vampire, and being jumped on by Emmett is painful. "MOUNTAIN LION MOUNTAIN EDDIE MOUNTAIN LION MOUNTAIN!!!"

"Yeah, Emmett, jump on Eddie until he comes with us to Mountain Lion Mountain," said Jacob, egging him on. "It's land of mountains and lions... and mountainlionnes.

"MOUNTAIN LION MOUNTAIN EDDIE!!!"

"OKAY I WILL GO TO MOUNTAIN LION MOUNTAIN BUT ONLY BECAUSE MOUNTAIN LIONS ARE PRETTY DARN TASTY!"

---

Trekking through the woods, we found Jacob and Emmett sporting an angry Edward Cullen.

"Lalalalalalala," sang Jacob and Emmett in harmony.

"Enough with the singing, okay? I feel bad enough being with you two, please don't make it worse."

"Our first stop is the Emoplurodon," said Emmett, while Jacob kept singing.

"A magicallll Emoplurodonnnnn!" sang Jacob. "It's gonna guide our wayyyy to Mountain Lion Mountainnnnn!"

"There's no such thing as a Carlisling Mountain Lion Mountain!" growled Edward. "Why did I even agree to thi-"

"SHUN THE NONBELIEVER!!!" screamed Emmett.

"Shunnnnnnnnn!" yelled Jacob

Soon, they stumbled upon Jasper Hale, sitting on a rock, looking all emo in Hot Topic clothes.

"Did they put you up to this," whispered Edward, which Jasper nodded at and mouthed "They gave me twenty bucks".

"RAWR!" yelled Jasper, then ran off into the forest in embarassment.

"The Emoplurodon has told us the way!" said Emmett.

"But he didn't say anything!" said Edward exasperatedly.

"Obviously you don't speak Emoplurodonian," sniffed Jacob. "I'm surprised at you, Eddie."

---

Later, they came across a weak looking bridge that probably would topple over any second and is not worth risking unless you're immortal.

"Almost there!" cried Jacob. "Just over this bridge, Eddie. This magical bridge of hope and wonder!"

"And wonderness!" added Emmett.

"I'm getting splinters," moaned Edward. "I didn't even know vampires could get splinters! And it's breaking slowly but surely! Emmett weighs like a million pounds so we should hurry up-"

"Ediiieeeee," sighed Emmett. "Eddieeeee, Eddieeeee. Eddd-"

"WHAT EMMETT I AM RIGHT HERE AND IF YOU DON"T TELL ME AND MAKE IT QUICK I WILL PROVOKE THE VOTURI AND BLAME IT ON YOU!"

"We're on a bridge, Eddie."

---

Soon, they came across a place that had a mountain lion carcass taped on it with duct tape and the sign "Mt. Lion Mt."

"Someone likes abbreviations," sighed Edward. "And I suppose technically, there is now a Mountain Lion Mountain."

"Mountain Lion Mountain, Mountain Lion Mountain, fill me with great, blood-filled goodness!" sang Emmett, doing backflips

"Go inside the cave, Eddie," said Jacob, and for a second, you could see revenge hinted in his eyes(don't ask how that is possible). "Mountain lions are rewarded for all who enter!"

"Why don't you go in first?" asked Edward slyly.

"But you nave to enter the Mountain Lion Cave, Eddie!" gasped Emmett, but just then, some more people appeared.

Mello, Light, L, Matt, Misa, Near, Ryuk, and Madsuda from Death Note came in, dressed as letters that spelt out "Mountain".

"What happened to the word 'lion' and the other mountain?" asked Jacob.

"Meh, the author got lazy thinking of other Death Note characters," said Matsuda, shrugging. "Anyways, ready guys? One, two three, Matt, go!"

Then, Matt started singing. Weird.

_"Oh, when you're want some blo-ood and some cheering up,  
Just jump up and come down to the Mountain Lion Cave!  
When you get inside you'll find yourself some cougars  
Such happy and joyful mountain lion things!_

_  
They've got mountain lions, panthers and bob cats,  
Oh so many animals for Edward the veggie vamp  
It's impossible to wear a frown when I'm singing this  
Because I look like an idiot!"_

Then, the rest of the dudes dressed as letters joined in.

_"They've got leopards, house cats, and ligers, too!  
All for you, and I would,  
Not ever lie to you!  
We're just making this whole thing up as we go,_

_So Eddie, give us all some freaking slack!_

_They've got tigers, Persian cats, and a hattt  
Yes a hat, how 'bout that, a real live hat!  
I'll throw in five bucks if you go in the cave,  
So please Eddie, won't you go into the cave!_"

Silence for about a minute, then Emmett said, "Weren't you supposed to explode?"

"Oh we stopped that after we set a small child on fire after!" explained Mello. "So anyways, come on, let's get out of here!"

They all ran off in different directions and met back up in Tokyo. But that's a different story.

"So, Eddie, wanna go in the cave?" pleaded Emmett.

"No, not really."

"Oh, okay, let's go home," said Jacob, leading the way back.

Too bad Edward didn't really go in the cave for if he did, he would have met a variety of wild cats, all for his choosing. Espacially an eight foot mountain lion.

Yes, too bad he never went in. But now he'll never know.


End file.
